Article 12113 of alt.sex.cthulhu:
Date: Sat, 08 Feb 1997 20:51:06 -0600
From: eyedunno@computron.net
Subject: POD: STORY: The Statement of Antoine Carranza
Newsgroups: alt.sex.cthulhu

Here's my attempt (sort of) at a Lovecraftian sex story.  Yeah, I know
it's not terribly well written, and that it even changes its style a
couple times, but oh well... at least it's not SPAM...


The Statement of Antoine Carranza

	Concerning the mysterious disappearance of my close friend and
colleague J. Phineas Peabody, little is known, and it is probably in
mankind's best interest for many of the details surrounding the incident
to remain unknown.  Nevertheless, I sense that I must release the heavy
burden of these memories from my consciousness in order to avert madness,
however temporary these effects may be; this is the reason for the
composition of this statement.
	It was around 9:00 in the morning when the fateful call came.  It
was Peabody, calling because he had just found a new opportunity to
investigate matters of the occult.  With this knowledge, I don't know what
came over me when I actually decided to listen to him.  He told me about a
new church that had recently opened up on what was once a small,
pre-Civil-War plantation just outside town.  Having just been recruited,
he suggested that I join as well.  I refused.  He told me about the free
haircut, the free room and board, and the exotic women of the church.  (I
knew that was part of it.)  Again, I turned him down.  However, when he
offered to pay me back the $28.53 he had owed me since second grade, with
10% interest per year, I couldn't resist.  Besides, what harm could a
church do?
	At 4:45 PM, we arrived at the ranch of the local chapter of the
First Church of Cthulhu, Scientist.  We were given standard reverse-mohawk
haircuts, and were issued white cloaks with "H. Ross Perot '92" stenciled
on the front in maroon spray paint.  According to the chief prophet of the
church, only Ross Perot had access to the R'lyeh, in which the great
Cthulhu resided.  I always thought Little Big Ears was kind of strange,
but this was ridiculous.  After we had become acquainted with the
lifestyles of these people, we were shown to our rooms.  By this time I
had become convinced that I was in the presence of a bunch of total
nutcases.  I was determined to leave, but when I tried the door I found
that it had been locked behind me.  I banged for several minutes, but
strangely enough, no one seemed to pay any attention to me.  I supposed
that it was probably better to just go to sleep and wait until tomorrow to
escape.  I soon discovered that achieving slumber was quite futile.
Looking in the small window mounted in the side wall of my room, my eyes
gazed upon a ghastly sight, the noises accompanying which had most likely
been the same ones that had so troubled my sleep.  It was Peabody,
being anally molested by an unspeakable horror.  Peabody's screams,
although muffled by the thick wall, inspired such terror in me that it was
difficult to keep from vomiting.  It was at the moment when the thing
began probing at Peabody's urethra with one of its many loathesome
appendages that I fainted.
	The next morning I was let out to enjoy a sumptuous breakfast of
raw squid.  It was there that I discovered that old Peabody had actually
started to believe some of the "prophesies" that the "great elders" had
been teaching.  However, I was not going to stay around long enough to try
to change his mind.  When I sensed that breakfast was almost over, I ran
for it.  Realizing that I wouldn't find the door in time, I made a
potentially idiotic move -  I jumped into the nearest closet.  Upon closer
inspection though, I found that this was no ordinary broom closet.  This
was where the cult kept its assault rifles. Through various hastily
formulated threats, I was finally allowed to leave, although they promised
me that Nyarlathotep, gate-keeper of the Outer Gods, would have his
revenge.  Although I was really concerned about the supernatural
consequences, I bolted out the door as quickly as I could, never to
return.  However, as I was running, I took a single fleeting glance over
my shoulder, and what I saw was staggeringly appalling.  For around
the church, a large crowd of the same repulsive creatures that had
buttfucked Peabody had already begun to form and to dismantle the church's
headquarters.

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